Dear American Idol,
This season stinks. I'm not sure what made you think that Idol could carry on without Simon Cowell, but I'm pretty sure he's laughing his ass off somewhere. Randy is a nice guy and all but he's no Simon. Having him sit in that chair is almost offensive. I'll give him credit for the fact that he's a little more brutal this year, but it's the equivalent of saying that a fluffy baby bunny is feeling naughty. Steven Tyler is doing a great Paula Abdul drag queen impression, but I only notice when I can get past the horrific outfits and understand his slurred speech. True, years of watching the train wreck we all love, Paula, slur her way into our hearts prepared us to speak Tyler's language, but it's just not the same. I used to love Steven Tyler and now he sort of just reminds me of a washed up singer, trying to attract a new generation of fans. Sort of like watching David Hasselhoff on America's Got Talent. Speaking of washed up has been singers, why the eff did you have to bring Jennifer Lopez onto the show? Seriously, J Lo? Besides the fact that her wild mane of hair is overwhelming to look at and she seems to share the same wardrobe with Steven, she's just friggin' annoying. God forbid Randy have an opinion that differs from hers. I thought she would scratch his eyeballs out the other night. And not in the cute "Paula/Simon love/hate bickering" way, but more in an "I'm Jenny from the ghetto block and I'll smack your ass back to Journey and the year 1985 if you don't start agreeing with my every thought cause i'm scary and my hair will block you from the camera" kind of way. It's awful. All the while, poor Ryan has got to be crying himself to sleep each night to get through this season. Without Simon, it's like Ernie with no Burt, a Leprechaun with no Rainbow, Dorothy with no Toto...I think you get the point. It's depressing.
And then there's the contestants...
THIS IS ALLYOU COULD FIND???? Seriously? Were your judges all having a continuous moment of insanity during the entire audition process? Is it possible that the process is flawed? Is it possible that they are all tone deaf? Why did you change up the entire format of how things work after Hollywood week? Fine. I don't get to choose from 36 trainwrecks for 10 weeks before getting to the top 12. Whatevs. But it's like every single person you found had never watched the show before. It's like every single one of Simon's nightmares, one after another. Boring, old-fashioned, karaoke, redundant, trying to sing songs that are WAY too big (i.e. Mariah, Whitney, Christina, Micheal, etc. The untouchables), pitchy, unoriginal, spastic, screechy, the list goes on and on. I've never fast forwarded through so much singing. Even the good singers have been picking such boring songs, i can't take it. If I have to hear another ballad, I'm going to vomit. I can't even pick a winner because i sort of hate them all. When my favorite guy is a friggin COUNTRY SINGER, all hope is lost. I hate country music. It all sounds the same to me. And yet, the only one that hasn't made me want to destroy my eardrums is that country singer kid. But yet, i still care so little this season that I haven't bothered to learn his name. Last year, I knew Lee's name. The year before I knew Adam's name after the first week i saw him sing. The year before that David Cook had me at Hello. This year, I couldn't name one contestant or tell you what they have sang. I just know them as the Country Singer Kid, the Country Singer Girl, the Red Headed dude (who tried to be interesting but sort of freaks me out), the Blinky Rocker, the Twitchy Rod Stewart/Bradley Cooper Baby, the Annoying MySpace Chick, the 15-Year Old, Alicia Keys Light, the Pretty Girl with the Annoying North Jersey Accent, The Blond with the Tight Pants/Skirts, Jersey Shore Dude, the Gay Dude. My guess is that this week will be the end for the Blond with the Tight Pants or Alicia Keys Light. Whatevs, they both suck. Your show is terrible. And when are you going to bring in better role models or whatever you call them? The music producers are getting boring and they are not helping these people at all. Have you run out of people who are willing to deal in mediocrity? I wouldn't be at all surprised...
American Idol, I think it's almost time for us to end our relationship. We've both changed over the years and I think we just want different things. You want to suck the soul out of people and I want to hear good singers. I guess that's just the way it is. So, only because I have trouble letting go, I may stick around for the abuse until the end of this season. But if things don't improve, I'm sorry, but it will be over between us. This is not an ultimatum, it's just a fact. I can only take so much before I can't take anymore.
Thanks for the memories (good and bad),
Jenn
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